One Day

One day, I'll be in NYC. 

And that will be best of all, because I hear there is nothing quite like New York in the fall.

Until then, San Francisco is my home. What a lovely life I lead..

I'm Getting Married! ...To My iPod on Shuffle

Why can't I marry my iPod on shuffle? If it could be embodied into a man, we would be perfect together. It always knows me best. Today it brought up a song I haven't listened to in months.. possibly years. The lyrics were so relevant.. 

"Falling over backwards for you,

Falling over everybody else.

I put myself in that position

Every time I have the chance.

I know it's not my business, to be

Digging up these things I shouldn't know.

Twenty years of bad descisions

Haven't taught me much at all.

...

Having every question answered
Isn't gonna help at all

When you're not supposed to know ..Anything"

-"Textbook" We Are Scientists

and every song that followed was so fitting. It was as if my iPod was trying to say, "Hello!? You are beating a dead horse once again. It's not supposed to be easy, you're not supposed to have all the answers, & you need to work harder to get yourself back." The advise my friends have given now suddenly feels like it has been smacked in my head full force when my iPod talks to me about it. "These are the days" came on (by Jaime Cullum) and I was reminded that I'm supposed to be living for today, focusing on my present.. and enjoying it. I almost lost sight of that today.

Oh iPod on shuffle, you know me! You know my embarrassing days, my happier moments, what I need to be uplifted, or when I need to calm down. You accommodate my nostalgia but always ease me back into the present. You know me and you have basically perfected the art of timing within my life. But I guess this is also because I put the pieces in place for you too be able to do so.

Writing this stupid metaphor reminded me that I have to be willing to give more of myself in order to get back. Oh late night revelations..


P.S. It's pouring over here. Giants have won 2 nights in a row. I love life.

Wishing on Fall Leaves

"When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts

Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart"

-John Mayer "Something's Missing"

Fall is my favorite. Everything is changing, the air is crisp, some days are sunny and others are rainy, people pull out their cozy sweaters and scarves and hats and somehow everything just seems fresher. Like after the summer heat, nature is taking a big sigh of relief, and I sigh along with it. 


This year fall seemed to sneak up on me. I had been stuck so far inside my own head that I hardly noticed the changes outside. I'm glad I didn't miss it completely.


My first paycheck is going into my savings and helping pay back some IOU's. The next one is step one to saving for a bike. This weather is too lovely to just be looked at from inside a bus. 


What are your fall wishes? Make a wish on a falling leaf, then make it come true.

Life's Little Surprises

Today, on my way home from work, do you know what I noticed? Leaves. Leaves on the ground. The leaves of FALL! How had I not noticed this until today? Living in the moment is living with little surprises everyday.

I met a little girl at work.. she helped me put things away, and talked with me, and showed me how she could skip. She had lots of questions, and she reminded me of my nannying days. For just a second I wanted to be back there, baking cookies in holiday shapes this time of year, playing in the pile of leaves outside the house, building forts and having popcorn inside them.. getting an excuse to be a kid again. But I made myself come back to the present. Who the hell says you need an excuse to be a kid at any given moment? Sure I might be getting older, but so what? Why did I suddenly feel like I had lost those things that I had while nannying? Just because I don't get to spend my days with one of the greatest kids I've had the pleasure to care for, doesn't mean that I can't continue on with the things she instilled in my spirit. Things that were already there anyway. When the girl from the store was leaving, she told me she would come back soon and she would be looking for me. I had to smile. "Don't you worry," I told her, "I'll be around. I'll wait right here." Excuse me, inner-child? I'm not sure why I had you on time-out.. but you are welcome to come out and play. Also, old-soul of mine? Why don't you hold the inner-child's hand and work together.. I feel like that would be best.

My world is changing for the better. Home improvement for the body/mind is cheaper anyway.. but worth much more. Focusing on my present day 10.

No Way to Live

"You're so focused on your past you can't appreciate your present. That's no way to live! How can you possibly move forward if you're always looking back?" -A Very Potter Sequel

A funny place to get an inspiring quote, but that's exactly what I'm working hard on now. Short entry--I have an essay to conquer before I turn in tonight. Focusing on my present, day 1.

Life's Too Short

When I came home from my Intro to Shakespeare class the other day, I got to thinking about all of the themes we had been talking about within the class. One in particular is just now hitting me as a relevant point within my life, in a different context.

Masks

It's generally known that we all have them. The annoying person you are friendly to in passing, the good son/daughter in front of your parents, etc. But some masks I'm understanding less. I'm beginning to wonder how harmful some of these masks might actually be. Some things are too important to just mask over. I have usually been one for brute honesty and, as often as I can, someone who believes in understanding the rationale  behind any decision. As I've gotten older, I'm understanding more about myself and what I need from those around me. I don't need you to tell me I look terrible, but I do need to be told when I'm acting terrible. I don't need you to tell me what's easy, I need you to tell me what's hard. More often than not I appreciate more of an up-front, honest approach. You don't need to be cruel, just honest. You just don't want to hang out, that's cool..I have those moods too. You don't really feel much like talking, I get it. You want me, you don't, you feel upset about something I've done... whatever it is, TELL ME! What are we doing spending the short time we are allowed on this Earth not saying more of the things we are really feeling? And just as important, why do we waste anyone else's time or energy? I know I appreciate a straight answer because it saves me time and energy I would have spent wandering in a middle ground.

Sometimes I want to tell someone something so badly but I don't know if we're close enough of friends or something along those lines. But then I just need to remind myself that things like that can be so small in the long run. If I say what I want and it doesn't go over well, then hopefully we can move on. If we can't then that may not be the person I want around in my life anyway. Either way I did what I wanted and there is no 'what if's' involved. Life's too short to wonder about 'what if's'. And life's too short to hold back from the things you want.

Yeah, sometimes there are downsides to this way of thinking, but I don't want to live in a kind of fear that might prohibit something great, something liberating. Life's too short. So here I am, reinventing myself once again, or maybe just getting back to how I'm supposed to be. Hopefully my life will be better for it.


P.S. Night walks in San Francisco are slowly becoming my favorite. Tonight was a beautiful night.

Hired

At Gap Kids in Laurel Village San Francisco. Could not have come at a better time. :)

I Really Don't Know Anything

Is it so wrong that I miss you? I'm told it is. But I don't think so. I miss you. It's hard to just let go, but I can't decide if it's worse holding on. You aren't here anymore.. and somehow I have this sinking feeling that you're gone for good. But I don't know. All I know is that I miss you. If I knew anything about anything I would know what to do now. Words to say or what to do. I wish there was a way I could know. Or a way I could just have you back here with me, talking like you never left. But I don't really know anything about anything.

I went to a concert tonight. Fantastic music, but in every lyric I saw your face. I've been keeping busy because I'm told that's what's best.. but most of all, when it's all said and done, I just wish my phone would glow with your name and I could talk to you about your day and your thoughts. I miss YOU, and who you are, and who you pushed me to be, without even trying.

I Wish Men Knew All of This

So I saw this via a friend of mine and have kept it since.. I feel like now is an appropriate time for me to revisit it. IT'S SO TRUE..

Christina Hendricks: A Letter to Men

The sexy star of Mad Men — and Esquire’s all-new issue devoted to women — has a few things she’d like to get off her chest. 

(source: esquire.com)

We love your body. If we’re in love with you, we love your body. Your potbelly, everything. Even if you’re insecure about something, we love your body. You feel like you’re not this or that? We love your body. We embrace everything. Because it’s you.

Speaking of your body, you don’t understand the power of your own smell. Any woman who is currently with a man is with him partly because she loves the way he smells. And if we haven’t smelled you for a day or two and then we suddenly are within inches of you, we swoon. We get light-headed. It’s intoxicating. It’s heady.

We remember forever what you say about the bodies of other women. When you mention in passing that a certain woman is attractive — could be someone in the office, a woman on the street, a celebrity, any woman in the world, really — your comment goes into a steel box and it stays there forever. We will file the comment under “Women He Finds Attractive.” It’s not about whether or not we approve of the comment. It’s about learning what you think is sexy and how we might be able to convey it. It’s about keeping our man by knowing what he likes.

We also remember everything you say about our bodies, be it good or bad. Doesn’t matter if it’s a compliment. Could be just a comment. Those things you say are stored away in the steel box, and we remember these things verbatim. We remember what you were wearing and the street corner you were standing on when you said it.

Never complain about our friends — even if we do. No matter how many times we say a friend of ours is driving us crazy, you are not to pile on. Not because it offends us. But because it adds to the weight that we carry around about her.

Remember what we like. When I first started dating my husband, I had this weird fascination with the circus and clowns and old carnival things and sideshow freaks and all that. About a month after we started dating, he bought me this amazing black-and-white photo book on the circus in the 1930s, and I started sobbing. Which freaked him out. I thought, Oh, my God, I mentioned this three or four weeks ago and talked about it briefly, but he was really listening to me. And he actually went out and researched and found this thing for me. It was amazing.

We want you to order Scotch. It’s the most impressive drink order. It’s classic. It’s sexy. Such a rich color. The glass, the smell. It’s not watered down with fruit juice. It’s Scotch. And you ordered it.

Stand up, open a door, offer a jacket. We talk about it with our friends after you do it. We say, “Can you believe he stood up when I approached the table?” It makes us feel important. And it makes you important because we talk about it.

No shorts that go below the knee. The ones almost like capri pants, the ones that hover somewhere between the kneecap and the calf? Enough with those shorts. They are the most embarrassing pants in the world. They should never be worn. No woman likes those.

Also, no tank tops. In public at least. A tank top is underwear. You’re walking around in your underwear. Too much.

No man should be on Facebook. It’s an invasion of everyone’s privacy. I really cannot stand it.

You don’t know this, but when we come back from a date, we feel awkward about that transition from our cute outfit into sexy lingerie. We don’t know how to do this gracefully. It’s embarrassing. We have to find a way to slip into another room, put on the outfit as if it all happened very easily, and then come out and it’s: Look at me! Look at the sexy thing I’ve done! For you, it’s the blink of an eye. It’s all very embarrassing. Just so you know.

Panties is a wonderful word. When did you stop saying “panties”? It’s sexy. It’s girlie. It’s naughty. Say it more.

About ogling: The men who look, they really look. It doesn’t insult us. It doesn’t faze us, really. It’s just — well, it’s a little infantile. Which is ironic, isn’t it? The men who constantly stare at our breasts are never the men we’re attracted to.

There are better words than beautiful. Radiant, for instance. It’s an underused word. It’s a very special word. “You are radiant.” Also, enchanting, smoldering, intoxicating, charming, fetching.

Marriage changes very little. The only things that will get a married man laid that won’t get a single man laid are adultery and whores. Intelligence and humor (and your smell) are what get you laid. That’s what got you laid when you were single. That’s what gets you laid when you’re married. Everything still works in marriage: especially intelligence and humor. Because the sexiest thing is to know you. 

Little Patch of Heaven

Yesterday I took a long walk to the beach. It took me a while during the day to figure out if I wanted to do anything.. and once again, the ocean was my retreat. Seems to be the only place that feels safe to have thoughts that might otherwise distress me. Plus I loved the walk. It has been so hot here! But clear skies and a walk around a lake to get to the ocean.. not too much I can really complain about. I brought my journal there and planted myself on the low part of the cliff nearest the beach entrance and wrote. I wrote about life, the ocean, posed questions to myself. It was a much needed downtime/"me time" session. I laid in the warm patch of sand and listened to the chatter and laughter of the people who entered the beach, the sea breeze and the slow rhythm of the waves and let the sun drench my body... and I felt like I could breathe, my head was at ease and I could have stayed in that little patch of heaven forever.

I wanted so badly then to be on a boat. To be laying on the bow of a sailboat and feel the rocking of the waves beneath me and to have the ultimate feeling of solitude. As Jamie Cullum sings it, to be "all at sea." But I was startled out of my peaceful state by the cutest puppy delivering an old, dirty sock, and running away to get a stick, setting it down for me, and ran back to get some other stick and brought it to me and sat there, for just a moment, before its dad called it over. That's when I decided to go home and be with my girls, and watch the Britney Spears Glee episode. Because that makes a day better. :)

You don't need it every day
But sometimes don't you just crave

To disappear within your mind

You never know what you might find

So come and spend some time with me

We will spend it all at sea

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul

Please just leave me right here on my own

Later on you could spend some time with me

If you want to

All at sea
-"All at Sea" Jaime Cullum

You Make a Mess of Me Here

Look at me dreaming of you

All I could hope is to have you

To have you walking with me

Laughing so in love, we two

Almost drunkenly

I did imbibe of this

Fantasy of you and me

Was I a fool to think?

The way you looked at me

I swear you did

But you looked away too quick

Was I a fool, was I a fool to think

That you would take me home

As if I was yours

Was I a fool to think at all?

I've grown tired of love

You are the trouble with me

I watch you walk right by

I smile, you do not notice me

Treat me recklessly

All you do is toss me pennies out

But the silence in me is screaming

Won't you come and get me?

Was I a fool to think?

The way you looked at me

I swear you did

But you looked away too quick

Was I a fool, was I a fool to think

That you would take me home

As if I was yours

Was I a fool to think at all?

You make a mess of me here

I dance a thousand steps for you

If you say yes to me

I'll be whatever gets you through

You make a mess of me here (was I a fool?)

I dance a thousand steps for you (was I a fool?)

Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?

Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?

"Fool to Think" Dave Matthews Band

You are just teasing me now.. I wish you wouldn't. I wish I knew what you were thinking, but you won't tell me. You're just out of my reach now, and, even though I know this, I want to reach out and touch you. How pathetic. I wish I could start over.. back to the beginning and make it all right, because frankly the rest of this sucks. But I can't change how this went, once again powerless to your will, as it always has been with every form of you. Was I a fool?

It's been too long since I have really written. I need it now more than ever. I'm back in San Francisco, and I feel winds of change..

Happy Father's Day

For my dad on Father's Day, I wrote a poem and framed it with two great pictures of me when I was younger, and therefore cuter. Not a dry eye in the house besides myself (because I teared when I wrote it earlier) and my sister (because she had read it earlier as well). Some of these are specific things of interest to my dad, who often takes my sister and I (either together or separate) on father-daughter trips, who has a "sick blanket" whose magic healing powers are said to heal all sickness and is still used today, who broke his leg at the top of a mountain hike in Tahoe and still climbed the whole way down, who convinced me when I was very young that he was Tiger Woods, and believes himself to be similar to Jack Bauer, and is obsessed with The Deadliest Catch show on Discovery channel. This goes out to my dad.

To My Dad

Trips of the father-daughter kind

To field-trip slips often signed,

This is what they had in mind

When they think of the word father.

A man who does any part

To make sure his girls know

They have his heart,

This surely is a father.

A man who works hard to play hard too,

The man who taught you to tie your shoe,

Who has magic sick blankets when you have the flu,

That man must be a father.

The man who showed you the world on his shoulders,

And helped you with all the pains of getting older,

And with a broken leg climbed a mountain of boulders,

This man should be called father.

He is Tiger Woods, he is Jack Bauer,

He is a crab fisherman whose pots soak for hours,

He is a man who enjoys a good happy hour,

He is a good and fun father.

Not all daddies stick around

And as I age I have found

That I have the best Daddio around

And I am proud to call him my father.

I Vow

The other day I watched "Who Killed the Electric Car?" and have officially vowed that my first car will be a Hybrid Plug-In. With the recent oil spill in the Gulf, I don't know many people who aren't irritated with the oil companies, but this documentary really got me furious. I cannot believe the technology that has been developed and henceforth silenced. It really is amazing how the rise of the electric car was soon smothered by several groups. Take a look at the Who Killed the Electric Car? Trailer (<-- at that link). I definitely feel more empowered to take more action, beyond my usual recycling, walking/bike-riding, energy-saving, waste-reducing stuff. I feel the need to do great things and take greater steps, leaps, into what I believe is the right direction, and not just in the environment.

Goals on the activism front, which I can do NOW:

• Volunteer at an animal shelter
• Big Brothers, Big Sisters
• Environmental Club/Beach & forest clean-up
• Protests about school budget cuts, letters to our congressmen & women
• Compost
• Gay rights and Equality

Goals on the activism front, for the FUTURE:

• Hybrid Plug-in
• Teach for America
• International Student Volunteers
• Green-ify my home (Solar paneling, florescent bulbs, insulated windows, etc)

What are your suggestions? What else can we do?



P.S. Yesterday was Day 16 of my job hunt.. & my last day hunting. I've been hired. :)

Job Hunt

This has been Day 8 of the serious job hunting since I've been home.

So far, promising prospects are Subway, Starbucks, Applebee's, & Juice It Up. I have yet to hear back about the nannying gig that had been rumored to be available. I want this so bad. I'm going to have a victory dance when I get a job. No matter where it's at.

*Sidenote* 

Being wait-listed for a community college summer class that could count for 9 credits over at State.. sucks. 

No Good at Goodbyes

I'm no good at goodbyes. I like treating them all more like "see you later" even if I know some of them I won't be seeing again anytime soon. About half of the people that I have grown to know and love in San Francisco will not be back next year, as their paths have pointed them towards some other adventure. I would rather have them with me, for purely selfish reasons of course, but I know they're going to be doing amazing things and I wish them luck. But the part that I have to keep focusing on is that I get to return to this great city once again in August, and that all of the people that I've met really will keep in touch this summer. Even if I miss their hugs, I still have them to talk to. 


I've been home just over a week now. I miss my city. We went back today and I miss it so much. I miss the life I've started to create for myself over there. I've been confirmed for my apartment next year with my own room, and now I'm itching to get back there and set up the apartment and get a job there which I can carry throughout the school year. But I know that there are certain parts of this, the other home, that I have missed and enjoyed returning to. It's been amazing to get back to my sister. There really is nothing like it when you can look at a person and just know what they're thinking, or when you don't even have to look at them... Yea I missed her. And no person on Earth yet has been as sweet as my puppy. She missed me too & follows me everywhere. My parents are a riot, even when they're testing my patience. Good to be home.

Now if I could just get hired..

To-do List for Summer:

• Force my way off the waitlist for the summer morning class at the community college.
• Get a Job. Seriously.
• Go to a Giants game. I've still never been.
• Gain some color. I'm the palest person I know.
• Read read read. 
• Finally get around to watching American Graffiti and other classics I haven't seen.
• Take off somewhere with some friends for a couple days.
• Learn to knit, because cool people knit.
• Keep collecting recipes and cook more. I have a kitchen now, and it's my intention to use it.
• Write, sketch, make movies, stay fit, do it all.

Summer is here folks. Feels good.

Young at Heart

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you

If you're young at heart

For it's hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind

If you're young at heart

You can go to extremes with impossible schemes

You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams

And life gets more exciting with each passing day

And love is either in your heart or on it's way

Don't you know that it's worth every treasure on earth

To be young at heart

For as rich as you are it's much better by far

To be young at heart

And if you should survive to 105

Look at all you'll derive out of being alive

Then here is the best part, you have a head start

If you are among the very young at heart

--Frank Sinatra, "Young at Heart"

I love this song. And every time I listen to it I see happy people in Disneyland in slow motion sequences. I am still one of the young at heart.

Let's Support Lily!

This wonderful young lady is my friend, Lily.

I recently got an e-mail from my friend Lily, and she needs our help. She has chosen to be a part of the AIDS Lifecycle event, where thousands of people come together to bicycle from San Francisco to Los Angeles and raise awareness and money for AIDS. To see and hear more about the event you can watch this video, or visit the website to which I have a link to below. Lily is also a student living in the city and could use all the help she can get. She only has 25 more days to raise close to a thousand dollars in order to participate. This would really mean the world to her. Through her training and all her fundraisers she needs our help for this last push. Please give anything you can, and let me know if you donate so we both can send you a thank you!


Instructions to donate:1. Go to the AIDSlifecycle website.
2. Click the blue "Donate" button at the top of the page
3. Scroll down and select "Search for Participant" and under first name put "Lily" last name "Koch" and hit search
4. Select Lily
5. Click the "Donate to support Lily" button above the thermometer!


Thank you for reading.

Happy Mother's Day

To a mom who would do anything for me, and I would do anything for. 

Lyrics to Live By

"But if you wait too long,
Keep telling yourself

That moment has already passed,

You might miss that song,

You may never meet that girl,

Then you blink, oh!

And the night is over too fast.

Well don't you want it to last?"
-"Dark Trance" by Free Energy

My sister came to visit me this last weekend. It was so good to spend time with her and show her around, and I know she enjoyed getting out of town and seeing parts of the city she hadn't ventured to before. I had missed her a lot, and even now I wish she was still around. This weekend flew by, but it was worth every minute.. and every penny. She's the only sister I've got and I love her to death and would do anything for her.

That being said, with the last weeks of the school year upon me, I'm realizing all the things I still want to do before the year ends and what little time I have to do them. I'm going to miss this city so much. It was good to be here, it has treated me well, and I'm so excited to see what next year holds.. but I won't write off this year just yet. It will be over too fast, and yes I want it to last.

Dr. Dog

On Saturday I was able to go to a concert at the Great American Music Hall. I went to see Dr. Dog, and it was quite awesome. The crowd was insane, the band was fantastic, and the company was too much fun. It was cool to be in a venue that was rather small and, although beautiful, seemed a bit understated. I had such a blast. And if you haven't heard of Dr. Dog, you should take a listen. They put on a fantastic show and their songs are absolutely perfect.

<3

Morning Walk

The other day, when I awoke and couldn't sleep, I went for an early morning walk around Lake Merced. It was so beautiful and so quiet around the city. Lots of runners with headphones in, families or couples on a bike ride, dogs getting an early morning walk.. I saw the cutest group of older women power-walking around Lake Merced. I wish I had a picture. I forgot how lovely mornings can be. It's hard to have insomnia, because mornings always arrive too soon or (after several "snooze alarm" hits) pass by so quickly. When the weather was fairly warm and the city was only speaking at a whisper, I remembered how nice it is to be up and awake in the morning. Too bad these last few weeks will be mostly spent with late nights of study and mornings spent half awake (that is, if you can bear to be up in the morning). When all of this is over, I'll be fairly excited to have my mornings back. Until then, here comes the end of the year crunch. 24 days and counting down..

Night Walk

Let’s go for a walk in the night!

Barefooted, stars bright,

Warm air and moonlight.
Let’s go for a walk tonight..

Vampire Weekend Video. You're Welcome.

My singing/screaming along is horrific, but I had a damn good time.

Vampire Weekend performing "A-Punk", LIVE at the Fox

Vampire Weekend (at the Fox)

I cannot believe the night I just had. Cannot cannot cannot. Little did I know when I bought my tickets for the Vampire Weekend concert months ago, that it would be the best concert I have ever been to thus far in my life. I knew they would be amazing, but this was incredible. I could not have been more caught up in that music, I was hypnotized. I went by myself, despite my family's concern about me venturing into downtown Oakland on my own.

Let me just say, first off, that the Fox is an amazingly beautiful and ultra-cool venue, and if you have the chance to see a show there, DO. There is not a bad spot in the house.

Now with that being said, I was in the front row. Oh hell yes. I met some super cool people around me, one girl who was also named Julia. Great stuff. Our opening act was Abe Vigoda who had a good energy and seemed pretty promising, but lacked a little charisma when it came to interacting with the audience. They could do well though. I'm keeping an eye on them.

(Abe Vigoda)

Then came Vampire Weekend. Oh lord, was this audience ready. They came out and started with a bang with "Holiday" of their new (and fabulous) album, Contra. I felt like I was going to explode out of my skin I was so happy. I had no awareness of much else around me. I listened to the music and let myself laugh and sing and dance and have absolutely no cares. The lead singer (Ezra Koenig) and I absolutely had a moment and I just about fainted from excitement. The guy standing next to me hit my arm laughing and telling me how cool it was. They were an incredibly gracious group, as it was their last night of their American tour, and they thanked their crew and the Fox for everything. What a class act. Also, Ezra Koenig, you can call me any day. I'll be here when you want me. 

"It struck me that the two of us could run!/Cause Honey, with you/It's the only honest way to go/And I could take two/But I really couldn’t ever know./Honey, with you/And a battered radio/We could try"

Just think about it, Ezra. <3

Video coming at you soon..

I still cannot believe it's over, which makes me sad, but I know now I will not pass up an opportunity to see them again. Now I have Dr. Dog at the Great American Music Hall. This is shaping up to be the best week...

Destination Unknown

I'm at the point in the year where, as the weather continues to be more and more beautiful, I feel the need to explore. And this time, I don't really mean my city. I want to be somewhere new. To just drive until I discover someplace yet to be discovered by my eyes. I want to hop on a plane and go somewhere where my customs are strange and where they could possibly speak an entirely different language. Someplace that has beauties which are different than anything I have seen at this point in my young life. I want new. I want travel. I want the destination unknown.

You Again

I haven't written of you in a while, but you are once again in my mind. I thought I saw you once, but I was wrong. It only looked like you from afar. Once I moved closer, I realized I had hoped so much for it to be you, that I ignored all signs that told me it couldn't be. Now I'm back at that place, between awkward and unsure. I will be back to normal soon enough, but you always seem to leave me spinning, even if it is just the idea of you. You've been showing up in my dreams again. I wish that wasn't the only way we ran into each other anymore.

Beautiful day outside. Feeling much better. What a good day for daydreaming.

Missing, Please Return

Things I miss

• letters/messages from old friends
• letters/messages from new friends, and the anticipation that goes along with getting to know someone new
• my sister and our complicated snuggletime
• my puppy and her adorable/hilariousness
• my dad making watching tv an interactive thing
• my mom making some typical mom joke and her sincere/full laugh, which I inherited
• (strangely enough) the old barn down the road from my house and how the sky looks around that piece of land
• my old job, because little kids are the greatest and I had the best job in the world
• having the time to read for pleasure
• making films
• theatre
• baking
• swimming
• hiking/camping
• ballet

I love this city, and all the opportunities I've had because I've lived here, but these are a few things I've been thinking about as of late and miss having in my life. I'm sure I'll have all of it back in good time.

The Plunge

Definitely sick. My body aches, it's strange to breathe, and fatigue hits me in large waves. Definitely sick.
I want out. Out of this body and into a healthier one. Out of this room, out of this weather, out. I need to be free of the ties that have bonded me to a person, because I am no longer comfortable with how they fit. I have kept myself inside for two days, and with that has come a lot of thinking. My thoughts have brought me to a place that I'm not comfortable staying in. I realized that someone who once made me happy, is now someone I view quite differently. I wish it would just take care of itself, but it won't. So here comes the plunge. Here comes the jump that I have to be strong enough to take, a leap of faith that I am doing what is best, and hope that the rush of the fall is met with cool water that soothes me. Wish me luck.

I Don't Want This

Knowing you are headed towards a cold is one thing, being forced to get up at 4 AM because some dumbass in your building pulled the fire alarm is a whole other deal. I have not been sleeping well, to say the least, and last night my throat had that kind of tickle that doesn't go away. I'm pretty sure I had a minor fever at some point since I woke up in cold sweat at 5. I preceded to wake up once every hour. Each time my body ached when I moved, as if I hadn't moved for the past hour. This was inevitable. Dorms have got to be how epidemics start, because once someone you know, or someone who lives on your floor becomes sick, it's just a matter of time before the whole floor/group of friends become sick. So thank you, dorm-life, for the cold. I'm sure I'll be re-gifting it to someone else. In the meantime, I hope to kick this cold's ass with meds, rest, and orange juice.

On a completely different note, the ghost in our building is really beginning to freak me out. Her name is Catherine and she was murdered on the floor below us in the early 90's. We always joke about her activity in our building, but lately my roommate and I can't help but feel like it's been a bit too close for comfort. We're finding mysterious chocolate stains on clothes that are brand new/never been worn. We've had the microwave that wouldn't turn off until we unplugged it and my computer telling me "Merry Christmas" several times while I was alone. She hides our necessary objects and puts them in plain site when we get back to the room. She might be pissed. We've made drawings and so many jokes that she might be fed up. Know that I'm serious when I say, what the hell! I normally don't believe in this sort of thing, so this is a bit freaky.

Catherine Cooperland, if you're reading, I'm sorry for my disrespect. Please stop haunting me; I don't want this.

Childlike Hue

So let me take this moment to inform you on my next biggest obsession after sweets: Disneyland. The other day I was awoken to a text from a friend of mine who want to "talk Disney with someone who understands." I immediately missed that place. I'm hoping to take some sort of trip at the end of this summer and suddenly southern California with a day in Disneyland seemed plausible. I began to look at pictures online which makes me nostalgic for something I haven't necessarily lost. If you haven't been, you need to go. Especially for the child at heart, this is a wondrous place.

I can smell Splash Mountain's water, 

hear Madhatter's Teaparty theme music, feel that Socal sun, 

and taste the main street churros.

I can imagine the excitement and wonder of their fireworks shows,

remembering the times when I was little and thought the pirates shot real cannons (and always ducked),

feeling so nervous and excited about Indiana Jones and NEVER looking into the eye

And with all this talk from my southern California friends I miss exploring the completely different world that is Socal. I think I'll make it down there. I want it bad enough. But until then my summer daydreams continue, with a more childlike hue.

Miette & Baking

I have discovered the cutest bakery in the entire world, Miette (thanks to this woman, who I have been following). Like the little girl in the candy store that I was, I "oooo"d and "awww"d at just about everything. The way the pastries look on the website is how they are in-store, adorable. They have two locations in SF that I'm aware of, one at the ferry building and another on Chesnut Street (at the Marina). I just wanted to buy up all of their treats for myself and for my friends. It felt like springtime and sweets found each other at Miette's. My favorite things together. I dream about having a little place like this.

I'm home for a bit and have been taking advantage of my use of a kitchen. Today will consist of baking up some cupcakes I discovered a recipe for, and supplying the kitchen for "Deb's Famous Banana Pancakes" tomorrow morning. I also really want to make a pie or something to drop off at my Grandma's house, because she shares my passion for sweets and I'm sure she'd like to bring some to her friends in her Bible study. I cannot wait to have a kitchen next year no matter if I'm living on or off campus. I'll get to eat what I like when I like, and I will make my roommates quite fat while I continue to learn more things to bake and get better at general cooking.