Recipe for an Insomniac

"I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
With half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me a better way and all that my love can bring
...
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you with half of my...
Half of my heart

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do"

-John Mayer, "Half of My Heart"


Yea, this is a girl's blog. Shit like this runs through my brain lately and I wonder, why am I such a girl? Why can't I just live and let the "right one" come up like he's supposed to? I was driving today when this song turned up on my iPod. I'm so annoyed with myself; these kinds of thoughts are so silly. And let me tell you, girls do this kind of longing, daydreaming bullshit all the time. 


Living in the city takes me away from that kind of thinking. But since I have been back in my hometown I've been sucked back into my girlish head and I've begun to think about my singledom. Once I get back to my city I'll be so preoccupied with school and all my various outings that it won't even matter. I'll be so surrounded by awesome people that I feel better about the road I'm taking; the road where I wait for someone to truly strike me rather than me looking for something to strike me. And here's where I get mega-girly: If there's anything that "He's Just Not That Into You" has taught me it's that we, as women, get ridiculous about being alone, rejection, and searching for the redeeming qualities in a man we're attracted to rather than pay attention to what would be off-putting if he were, say, less attractive. I'm so ready to play this like a sane person and just go with the flow, see what's out there, and play it STRAIGHT. If I like you I'll make it known, if you don't like me please say so, because if I don't like you, know that I surely will. Don't drive me insane with your signals. Just be like "Hey, nevermind." or, you know, something much more gentle if you so choose. But I'm so tired of the open-ended "I don't want to be a bad guy so I just won't say anything" bullshit. It's torture. How about you put me out of my misery and give it to me straight. NO HARD FEELINGS. I get it, some chicks say what they don't really mean... I hate those girls.


Wow. I didn't mean for this to end up as a rant against my own kind... I'm just a passionate person. And this kind of thinking keeps me up at night. I think it's because I'm so passionate. And as the daughter of two psychologists I was always taught to think/look further than the obvious. That definitely sounds like a recipe for an insomniac. Some days are better than others, but most nights involve me lying in bed, exhausted in the body, but too energized in the mind to get to sleep at any time near when I had originally hoped. But it works out perfect for college! So I'm going with it. And I hope the time I take to do this blog will benefit me, and that any conversations that arrive because of this will help anyone else with similar thoughts.