Childlike Hue

So let me take this moment to inform you on my next biggest obsession after sweets: Disneyland. The other day I was awoken to a text from a friend of mine who want to "talk Disney with someone who understands." I immediately missed that place. I'm hoping to take some sort of trip at the end of this summer and suddenly southern California with a day in Disneyland seemed plausible. I began to look at pictures online which makes me nostalgic for something I haven't necessarily lost. If you haven't been, you need to go. Especially for the child at heart, this is a wondrous place.

I can smell Splash Mountain's water, 

hear Madhatter's Teaparty theme music, feel that Socal sun, 

and taste the main street churros.

I can imagine the excitement and wonder of their fireworks shows,

remembering the times when I was little and thought the pirates shot real cannons (and always ducked),

feeling so nervous and excited about Indiana Jones and NEVER looking into the eye

And with all this talk from my southern California friends I miss exploring the completely different world that is Socal. I think I'll make it down there. I want it bad enough. But until then my summer daydreams continue, with a more childlike hue.

Miette & Baking

I have discovered the cutest bakery in the entire world, Miette (thanks to this woman, who I have been following). Like the little girl in the candy store that I was, I "oooo"d and "awww"d at just about everything. The way the pastries look on the website is how they are in-store, adorable. They have two locations in SF that I'm aware of, one at the ferry building and another on Chesnut Street (at the Marina). I just wanted to buy up all of their treats for myself and for my friends. It felt like springtime and sweets found each other at Miette's. My favorite things together. I dream about having a little place like this.

I'm home for a bit and have been taking advantage of my use of a kitchen. Today will consist of baking up some cupcakes I discovered a recipe for, and supplying the kitchen for "Deb's Famous Banana Pancakes" tomorrow morning. I also really want to make a pie or something to drop off at my Grandma's house, because she shares my passion for sweets and I'm sure she'd like to bring some to her friends in her Bible study. I cannot wait to have a kitchen next year no matter if I'm living on or off campus. I'll get to eat what I like when I like, and I will make my roommates quite fat while I continue to learn more things to bake and get better at general cooking.

Spoiled Little Girl

The past week or so has spoiled me. I loved waking to a sunny sky, the warmth of the day fast approaching. Everything looked brighter and friendlier. I felt refreshed when I woke up and anxious to get these pale limbs out in the sun's rays. I finally made it to the beach, that fantastic union of sand, sun, and surf. The sun extracted all of my energy and smiles and left behind the faintest red glow on my skin and one happy girl. I have been swallowed by sunshine and I could stay in that forever. I have been surrounded by so much love by my friends and family that I've been intoxicated, entranced by the promise of spring weather along with it. I have been one spoiled little girl.

Today it drizzled. Buzzkill.

I don't want to stay inside. Can't I play outdoors all day?? I'm getting restless. Please let me wake up to sunshine.

Please?

Incomplete Picture

Today I let myself sleep in. After a night of unsettling dreams and a pulled fire alarm at 3 AM, I decided to give myself a slower morning than usual. I love Thursdays since I have them mostly free and I am allowed to breathe so that I can take on Friday and approach my weekend with energy.

So as I went down to our dining hall for a simple breakfast and a cup of coffee, I brought along my latest book and sat myself by the window so that I could enjoy the sunshine that has graced us this past week. So as I sat in the semi-silence that is quiet private conversations of morning and birds outside announcing the day's beauty, I couldn't help thinking that this seemed so familiar and yet so incomplete. But I remembered what I needed. I needed to be at least four stories up, sitting on a balcony surrounded by a wrought iron railing, with the morning's humid breeze coming in right off the ocean just beyond the resort grounds. I needed soft Spanish music to be starting up below me and the activities director (Cesar) to begin water aerobics with cute old women in wide brim hats and one-piece bathing suits. I needed slightly swaying palm trees and gardeners watering the most beautiful flowers below. I needed the sound of flip-flopped beach-goers walking below me. I needed to be the only person of my family awake and to be sitting on this balcony in boxer shorts and a tank top with some fantastic book I was reading for pleasure and could not put down. I need brightly colored Spanish tiles and open-air lobbies. I needed Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I need our condo at Vallarta Torre. My whole body longs for it like no other. I miss you Puerto Vallarta, and I look forward to my return.

I need warmth and a beach so bad it hurts.

Forever Young

I'm going to be an awesome old woman. I'm actually fairly excited. Besides the decline of my health and overall youth, I think it should be fun. I'm going to wear whatever the hell I want, and love it. I could go gaudy glam some days, like the woman above, or go crazy bright and quirky like the lady below. I fully expect to wear hats with large bows, glitter, flowers, ribbons, maybe even feathers. I will have round glasses and the most awesome costume jewelry you have ever seen. I will spoil my grandchildren  like crazy or be the kind who gives them a nickel for tasks around my house. I will knit and have some sort of club or society that I attend. I will still bump my music (simply because I cannot hear it otherwise), I will still go dancing (even if it is at the senior center), and I will still laugh at anything that tickles me. I will occasionally tell tall tales, because I'm old, and I can. My kids and grandkids will go through my photos from this point in my life and talk about how no one dresses like that anymore, and be thrilled to see the life I lived and places I have traveled. I will still hit the gym, but it could be more like a step class, or water aerobics at the pool. I will go on cruises.

But most importantly,

I will still be living my life.

And that's all I can ask for.

Abracadabra

I know I haven't written in a while. I know. It has been... long.

Recently I find myself wanting to disappear. I go for walks alone, take long showers in a stall, loose myself in a large crowd, go into the big city alone, put in my headphones at the gym and get lost in my breathing on a run. I don't feel anti-social, I don't feel depressed. I just feel a weight, heavy in my chest, in my arms, legs, back. I needed alone time. I needed the times inside my head where I wasn't worried about entertaining anyone else, or where I could explore my thoughts without interruption.

So I found myself venturing out more often, taking time for myself. I went out for a walk on my own and happened upon a local band's performance. As I sat down at a table I realized no one knew me. No one seemed to be expecting my attention, no one even noticed that I was sitting near them. The band set up and played some beautiful music and I couldn't help smiling to myself. This is why I love the city. At any given time you could be totally alone or completely surrounded, however you choose to see it. I watched the people around me. I saw a girl who seemed absolutely captivated by a guy, but the guy didn't seem to notice. Another group was in an intense conversation, another group had some of the best laughs. It was so nice to just have a moment to breathe, to look around, and just enjoy a moment to myself. I'm doing more of that when I can. I drove myself insane by depriving myself of that.

I want to sketch again. I miss it. I was home the other day and stumbled on my old "How-To" art book. I used to go to a summer art camp. I still have some of my creations. I miss those. And I really miss being messy with various mediums at the end of the day. Charcoal, pencil, clay, paint... I wish I had kept more of my sketches, they were always the best. I had one entered for me in an art contest in the 6th grade. Came in 3rd. Not too shabby. I think I'll get back into it. I miss my creative outlets. Besides writing, of course. I have had more movie ideas than I can count. I have been writing them down, and the moment I have the time and means, I will absolutely execute them and post them here.

I can't wait. But until then, I continue to write. Sorry I've been MIA

Surgery

Today was surgery day. This would number four for me. Whoopee (not). Everything went smoothly, my swelling doesn't seem to be so bad so far (knock on wood), but the Zanex they gave me is just wearing off. I normally have surgery around nine and wake around 5 or so.. But today, nope. This time I wake up at 6:40 and still very woozy. Although in my head I felt fine and coherent, getting up to grab pain meds or use the ladies room required me to move slowly and hang on to things. I felt a little dizzy still. But this should be the last surgery of this particular process.

I love hearing about things that have happened or that I have said while I was intoxicated. My assistant today was a lady named Cheryl who was sweet as can be and understood how heavy the meds are and giggled a bit at my answers to things. Apparently when they woke me so I could be taken home I looked around and asked for Cheryl. I don't remember coming home or my mother setting up the couch. I remember the Olympics being on before I completely passed out again. Apparently my mother woke me to bring me food and a pill which I ate like a zombie and immediately fell back asleep. My puppy was at my side I guess the whole time. My dad came home and greeted me, which I don't remember. I also had several texts, and a phone call that I have no memory answering. Yep, today was surgery day. They're always interesting. The famous one would have to be my first surgery, where I announced I was going upstairs. My sister was upstairs and noticed me walking back and forth in the bathroom singing "boop boop boop" in no particular tune. She guided me downstairs where I fell back to sleep.

So now it's over and time for recovery. Which will involve some movies, TV, reading, and visits from friends who can take me places, since I cannot operate machinery. Happy recovery week.

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy

I'm ready for summer. Of course I love living in the city, but I need the summer's sunny warmth. I love nothing more than when everyone smells of sun screen or chlorine and when tan lines begin to form. When you can venture out at night in shorts and a tank top. Where the smell of freshly cut grass emanates more often, and the bees think more people are flowers because of all the lightly colored clothing. The times when you can spend a whole lazy day in your bathing suit, hopping in and out of the pool. Where more days can be spent barefooted and free spirited. I miss falling asleep under trees at the park and waking at sunset with grass in my hair. I miss trips to the beach with the chaos of tourists and children and sand castles. I miss picnics. I long for summer's lemonade on the lawn and backyard BBQs. It may all seem like a dream, but that's because it is. I am dreaming of summer, my summer. And I cannot wait until it's here.

"One of these mornings/You're going to rise up singing/Then you'll spread your wings/And you'll take to the sky/But until that morning/There's a'nothing can harm you/With your daddy and mammy standing by/Summertime,/And the livin' is easy..."

-"Summertime" George Gershwin

Curious

Today has been a funny day for pondering. Have you ever heard something, or had someone mention something, and you thought about it more than normal? Like when, all of a sudden, you notice how funny or strange a word is and wonder how it came to be. Or when you think of an object and wondered why/how someone came to think it up and invent it? I felt like that all day. I wonder if it's brought on by the current head-cold I've been fighting..

Things I pondered today are as follows:

• How were mirrors invented? How long have we had mirrors? Besides glass, what makes up a mirror?
• I believe that manslaughter is a more gruesome term than murder, and I think their usages should have been switched. 
• The word "widower" might be strange to someone learning our language. It seems more logical that it would mean "someone who widows"
• Is it offensive if I killed this mosquito with the text book my professor wrote while he is teaching?

And so on. They are notes in the margins of my notebooks. Questions that I might get around to answering. Thoughts that needed to be written down. I haven't really written in some days, I apologize. I haven't been sleeping well either, but so much could have been expected. This much I know, I need to keep writing. Otherwise I feel like I constantly have an itch I can't scratch or thoughts that zoom in and out again. 

Also, yesterday was Valentine's day. Cookie dough bites, Cocoa Puffs, 3 See's samples, a Reese's, and a chocolate milkshake. Day well spent. Back to the diet today. It will be over March 28th. Not that I'm counting down until I'm allowed to eat sweets (in moderation) again.

I spent the day with some of my very best friends. I could not have had a better one. 

My Monday Morning Playlist

Monday mornings have new meaning when they involve a special set of songs. As soon as I realize it's a Monday (to my roommate's dismay) I put on my playlist. I need something that motivates me to be awake. Let me know if I'm missing something perfect.

Julia's Monday Morning Playlist:

I Don't Like Mondays -The Boomtown Rats
Manic Monday -The Bangles
Monday Monday -Mamas & the Papas
Monday -Wilco
Monday Monday Monday -Tegan and Sara
Blue Monday -New Order
Monday Morning -Feetwood Mac
I Met Him on a Sunday -Laura Nyro
Rainy Monday -Shiny Toy Guns

Happy Monday everyone.

Different Names for the Same Thing

As I laid down my head last night, I wished you would have been there. That when I laid down my head, I would be resting on you instead of this lame substitute of a pillow. You would put your arm around me, and we would talk about everything and nothing, and you would hold me as my eyes grew heavy, and not mind my falling asleep on you. But, just like almost every night previous, when my head came down it rested on cold pillow. I don't remember if I dreamed of you... I must have, since I have not really been trying to remember. Deep down I must know you show up there so frequently. Missing you is not the same when I don't know if you do the same, or if I'll ever even see you again. Is there another word for that? There should be, because this is not quite the same. Until I can think of another word, I miss you.

Tacking One On

Adding to my list of things I'm looking forward to this semester:

• Dr. Dog at the Great American Music Hall... the Saturday after Vampire Weekend. Four days after, to be exact.

Is April here yet? I'm waiting for you, April. You and I will have fun.

Build me up, Buttercup

"Why do you build me up, Buttercup baby,
Just to let me down
And mess me around?
Baby worst of all,
You never call, baby,
When you say you will,
But I love you still.
...So build me up, Buttercup,
Don't break my heart.."

-The Foundations, "Build me up, Buttercup"

This has been stuck in my head, and for good reason. Colin Young sang the truth here. So build me up, Buttercup, but don't break my heart..

Winded

Valentine's day.. How quickly do you turn me from "It's just another day.." to "I'm single and will live alone forever."

Today I had a conversation with one of my best friends talking humorously about our singledom. Something I said she mistook for me talking about running shoes. "Yea, you know, for catching a man." To which she replied, "If only it were that easy!" We are winded. I am winded. I hate running, for as far as I can remember I have hated running. There are times when it is exhilarating, and times where it leaves me gasping for air, or filled with aches. Which is exactly how "the chase" can be. But I still go running, just like I still keep my head up when it comes to meeting someone. Sure it doesn't always end up the way you would like, but each try might make the next time that much easier. So, yea, as of right now I am winded, and I feel like "quitting while I'm behind." But I'm not behind, I'm just getting started. I just need a minute to catch my breath. 

So to all of you who have a Valentine, Mazal Tov. To those of us who don't, "It's just another day," so let's drown ourselves in chocolate and go running. ;)

Counting My Blessings

Sometimes when my mom drives me somewhere, I want to crap myself just a little. She insists on getting things herself, not buckling up until her car annoys her, dialing a cellphone that she has to hold away from her to read, taking exits that are too early, swerving herself into lanes when she realizes she's in the wrong one, and creeping forward at stoplights in left turn lanes as if it's a 'Yield on green.' As I sat in the passenger's seat today, going nuts in my head, I had to smile a bit. This was my mother. the eccentric and also very reserved soul who I had known my whole life. She's more eccentric with age, but still quite the graceful person. I remember a friend of mine saying she always thought my mom had a similar air to Julie Andrews. That is fairly accurate. This eccentricity may drive me mad some days, but most times it makes me laugh. My mother and I have had an interesting journey together.

In middle school, I, like most girls, had quite the hostile relationship with my mom. We definitely had it rough. But once that phase ended, I began to fully see and appreciate my mother for exactly who she was. And although I am still afraid that I'll pick up some crazy habits of my mother's, it could be worse..

I am fortunate enough to have a mother who will drive me to and from the BART station to come home for a visit, or when I need to come in for emergencies (mostly medical) who will take off work to make sure I can come in as soon as possible. I have a mother who accepted my choice to step away from God, and never pushed me to come back, knowing that I would come back on my own. Someone who worries for me, even when not entirely necessary, and who encourages me to be a better person everyday.

But it isn't just my mother who I can appreciate. I have been lucky enough to have a father who is devoted to his wife and kids, and who went out of his way to make sure we would have a special relationship and get every opportunity we desired. He took my sister and I on father-daughter trips and introduced us to museums and art and fabulous food. His love for our mother remains strong and an example that someone will have to live up to for myself and my sister someday.

We have been fortunate to be able to travel as a family and have been able to live comfortably enough. I have been given the opportunity to go to school in the city while my parents pay for my tuition, housing, and books.

And even though I always joke that I wanted a brother, I love my sister more than words can say. Nothing can break the kind of love that sisters have, and I am incredibly blessed to have been given such an awesome one. I love you, Sis.

I vent/complain about plenty of minor things in my life, but after this last week and the love and support I received from my family and friends alike, I took the time to count my blessings. And boy are they numerous! Thank you to anyone who has been here for me (in person or in spirit), and know that you are truly appreciated.

Count your blessings. Love much and often. Today's a great day to start.

To Be or Not To Be

Today, during one of my classes, we discussed a book we've started reading (which I love!). In it there is a character, an old school teacher, who speaks of his original excitement to teach, how he hopes to inspire students and for the students to visit him and remember him very fondly as they go on. But this never happens. He hopes for a connection beyond the normal student-teacher relationship and for his students to become successful with his help. Some of the students are quite successful, but they never credit or visit him. As my professor described, "They got what they needed and moved on. He was a joke to them."

As someone who wants to teach, I was a tad horrified about his ends. He becomes a raging alcoholic, goes back on all his principles... What if, to some degree, I am this man. I very much hope to inspire and be the best possible teacher that I can. But if I'm not, or if the result is kids that move on unphased, does that ruin the dream? I'm not sure that it does for me, but is that just naive thought? It definitely shook me up. I like kids, I like English, and I would absolutely love to teach and bring that enthusiasm to my pupils. What happens if I don't? Do I shrug it off but go home still a little disheartened? Do I just have to know that I'm doing the best I can? I specifically decided I couldn't handle psychology (although I love it too, and both of my parents are psychologists) because my heart breaks so easily with people who can't get better when I'm trying to help.

Is teaching so different?

I'm taking a breather. I need to love what I do. And I believe that I'll love this, I just have trouble with the uncertain.

Cheater

Yesterday I cheated on my absolutely-no-sweets diet. It's ok to be disappointed in me, I am disappointed in me. Because not only did I cheat on the diet that betters me as a person, but I cheated with lemon meringue pie. Not something delicious like chocolate, I did it with lemon meringue. I feel like if this was a relationship situation it would be like me and chocolate decided to take a break because things were getting out of hand, and then I went out and had sex with lemon meringue, who doesn't even mean anything to me!! But it doesn't matter, because I still cheated.

So why did I do it then? As it turns out, I have a fairly acceptable excuse. For the last week my jaw has been in severe pain due, in part, to a condition I've had my whole life. It makes it really hard to eat, talk, and other things that should be normal. This is, of course, when things go wrong. Anyway, things had been going severely wrong causing me to be popping pills like Dr. Gregory House. Our dining hall had virtually nothing soft to eat and as I sat, hungry and disappointed, I pondered having pie out loud. And within 2 minutes my roommate brought me some and told me I just needed to eat. I love her. I hate that I cheated, but it was necessary. And maybe it's better that it was only lemon meringue.

Today I went to my hometown briefly to have my shit taken care of, so I feel significantly better. So no more excuses..hopefully. Except for Valentine's day which will end with copious amounts of chocolate.

More of You & Weekend Sum Up

I'm upset with myself. This version of me is foolish, although this isn't someone so far off from my normal self. But I feel like such a fool for you, having foolish thoughts because of you, believing in something that I'm not sure is true. I miss unfoolish me. I am afraid of hoping for you. But I still do hope for you. I can't help it. I'm beginning to see all of what you do to me. Don't stop.

I've had a lovely weekend back. Eventful. I spent it with great people and had a great time. Yesterday was even sunny enough that my roommate and I went outside in the grass and she painted while I stretched out and read. I love my life here.

Today is another beautiful day. Cheers!

Add Insult to Injury

You know that even after I've intentionally eaten a full meal before going to the mall so that I would not eat mall food, the smell of Boudin or Mrs. Fields makes me believe I'm famished and should eat. It's like crazy witchcraft. Not ok. And all the valentine's day chocolates are just adding insult to injury. I feel like I look at them and they say "You're off sweets! You can't touch me... and you're single anyway." Ouch Valentine's Day chocolates, that was harsh. I'm thinking of cheating on Valentines day and having something chocolate at the end of the day. I wanted to be hard-core about this, but that's one day that requires something chocolate. Don't judge me.

Treating Myself

I don't really do New Year's Resolutions anymore. Especially because the things that I would normally choose to work on, I'm already doing. I go to the gym more, I'm taking more time to read, I'm trying new things... but recently I noticed my unreal obsession with sweets. I think a couple nights ago when I picked up a cookie at lunch, brownie AND cookie after dinner, and then went back to the room and whipped out some chocolate from Christmas, I realized just how bad this was getting. Nothing can make me feel so good as chocolate, but I'm cutting myself off. For two months (62 days) at the very least I am no longer eating sweets in an attempt to get myself back in control. Sweets do not control me. Although walking out of the dining center and having to walk by the desert cart is pure torture. The cookies at lunch looked amazing and last night they had German chocolate cake. I swear I'm salivating right now. But that just proves I'm doing the right thing. My love affair with food, most especially sweets, needs to get under control. Today is day three. Only 59 more to go...

Today I have a day off from classes and a beautiful day in front of me. My goals:

• Get a cute outfit for going out tonight
• Go to the bookstore and get the books I'm missing still
• Find out how to return my Astronomy book
• Go for a walk outside
• Balance my checkbook
• Take care of some of the clutter which has already accumulated
• Do lots of reading for both of my lit classes
• Check out any upcoming auditions
• Write a letter
• Turn in my RA application

My dreams lately involve more and more of the same. I start out wondering, searching, looking for something that never seems to be revealed, but somehow I know that it involves you. I run into people who don't make sense, who point me in the wrong direction, or who tell me not to search anymore. And the minute I stop searching I realize you have been right behind me the whole time. Somehow I knew it but ignored it... how's that for symbolic? It's hard to wake up from those dreams. But I know I get to have you with me again soon, because you're persistent in my brain, on my mind. It's cruel that you aren't the way you appear in my dreams.

I think going to the gym is taking on a whole new thing this semester. I've always liked going to the gym once I could get myself there, but this time it's also about my alone time, some time spent in my head, pushing myself, going until it hurts, and it helps me get to sleep. I love feeling sore the next day, knowing that I worked myself to my full potential. I will definitely be there more, it helps me cope and reminds me that I'm doing right by me. And that's a good start to my year.

Beautiful Day

Someone once mentioned a quote to me that said true beauty is that which inspires thought. Today I am overwhelmed with beauty in all the most peculiar places.

I didn't think I would enjoy my Critical Thinking class, but I do. And I enjoy that it's my last class of the day, and  is followed by a walk home with my thoughts, and a solitary dorm to write, uninterrupted. It sounds terribly unsocial of me, but I like all the thoughts I have about the class applied within my life and how I live it. It's so uplifting and seems to feel spiritual, and I like being able to have time to think about them. We talked a lot about living for the best possible life and a little about how religion plays those sort of roles. I love when my head spins with these thoughts that makes it so hard for my hands to write and keep up. And my head is spinning and I'm smiling. I don't mind being dizzy this way, not anymore.

A good friend of mine made me a mix CD which also provokes thought. Music can always do that, and I love the messages she chose to send me and thoughts she chose to provoke within me. It is also beautiful. Thank you. =)

I've been doing some serious people watching since classes have begun. I can tell who hates school, having to be awake, reading, that sort of thing. Then I can tell who is truly interested and who is a good or astute student. I'm excited to get to know these people, and to learn. I feel like such a nerd, but everyday has something I can look forward too, and mostly I look forward to the content of the classes and the professors that teach them. It's been a while since I've been this enthused about all my classes. This is always subject to change... but for now I am reveling in my fantastic outlook on this semester.

I feel so inspired by things I've seen and heard today. Although it is ugly and gray outside today, so far my day has been beautiful.

Hello San Francisco, hello Monday

Coming into the city yesterday was quite the sensation starter. We entered over the Bay Bridge and looked out at the city for the small window of time that it was actually rather sunny.. breathtaking. San Francisco cannot cease to amaze me. Then as we came closer to the school I began to see signs that reminded me of home. Next Exit Sunset District, Cow Palace, Ocean Ave, John Daly Blvd... all the signs I'm home. Everyone was unloading cars with their parents or the Southern California folk would hop out of taxis with all their luggage. People would shout to long missed friends from across the street, out the window, down the hall. Mine came to me and helped with my luggage. I love my roommate and adopted roomie. I missed you San Francisco State.

Unpacking was relentless. There was so much luggage between my roommate and I that she had to start first so that I would have some room to unload. I hated that I had put off packing because I began to feel like I had JUST put this stuff away, and here I was taking it out and putting it away again. I forgot how well I can work with this small space, making things fit where they look like they couldn't possibly.

I also forgot my shampoo and conditioner. Here I come, Walgreen's! Please, disperse your homeless from the front doors..

I'm excited for school, but I feel like I just arrived. I need a day to make sure I'm situated. Nevertheless I know my classes should be quite good for this Monday, so I'm not too discouraged.

I am now off to breakfast. Hello Monday, show me what you've got.

Dream of You

I had a dream about you last night. I don't want to dream about you, it reminds me that when I wake up you aren't really around. I miss you. I miss your company. But please don't stop visiting in my dreams..

Returning to My City

Forget anything I may have said earlier about men/relationships. Sure not all of them are savory characters, but when you meet one of them that is, then who cares about the dipshits? (really eloquent, I'm aware) I'm quite happy with my life as of late, and although there are some people I'm leaving at home that I'm not super thrilled about, I'm still happy we had this time together. I leave for the city on Sunday. I still have to pack. I'll be putting that off I'm sure..

Things I'm excited for this semester:

• Not living with my parents, as it should be
• The Great Valentine's Day Pillowfight in SF
• Meeting all kinds of new people in my classes
• Taking Fable & Tales, & Astronomy.. & a little bit Jewish Lit
• Vampire Weekend at the Fox Theatre
• Spring to arrive
• The last season of Lost (yes. I'm still following that insane show)
• Glee's Spring return
• Going to some auditions
• Seeing some plays (Most especially High Fidelity: The Musical)
• Spending plenty of days by the ocean
• Crazy dorm pranks and singing with my RA in the halls
• Shower parties
• Shopping
• Exploring even more of the city

Things I'm not super psyched about this semester:

• Surgery
• Leaving behind some of my best friends
• Leaving behind some new ones
• Not getting to talk to/cuddle with my sister as much
• Not having a car (mostly when it's rainy or downright freezing)
• Not being able to watch Wheel of Fortune with my dad
• Not being invited to my mom's concerts anymore ..haha
• No lunches with my petite Grandma
• Frantically searching for summer job opportunities around the same time as finals rush
• Not having the same spring break as my family 

The good outweighs the bad, although surgery is at the top of that list for a reason. Overall I'm quite excited to be headed back. But until then I have to pack.

I wish I had Mary Poppins right about now. I'd be snapping by fingers and everything would be taken care of and we would get to sing. What I wouldn't give to have a voice like Julie Andrews...

On an unrelated note, I miss being in airports. I have just watched Up In The Air twice now, and I remembered how much I love airports. They are amazing for people watching and people interaction. I love the overpriced airline food, the announcer voice to keep an eye on your luggage every 10 or 15 minutes, grabbing a crappy/trash magazine or walking through the cheesy tourist shops, watching planes take off and land and load, seeing people come off of flights with tans, or seeing them reunite with someone in the terminal. I can't help but love it. And plane flights are amazing too. I miss traveling in a plane. It's very likely I won't be heading up in the air anytime soon. But I have been blessed and almost spoiled with the amount of travel I have been able to do so far in my life. And that I actually live in a city AND state that most people love to travel to. Yea, I may not be heading up in the air soon, but I've got enough going for me down on the ground anyhow.

I took this photo on my phone. This is my city.

Time for bed, thanks for reading.

Rainy Days & Indoor Play

Today I hung out with my favorite four year old. We "wrestled", watched the Disney sing-a-long video to her heart's content, and listened to David Bowie and The Commodores, her choice. She's a boss. She's quite into potty humor at the moment and really likes to do things that are "tough". Probably because of her older brother. It was a riot to hear the things coming out of her mouth. One of my favorites had to be, out of nowhere, "I'm going to sock you in the butt hole." It took everything inside me to not laugh and tell her that's not a nice thing to say. I miss this job. I'm generally really good with kids. In one way or another I've always been around them and I'm a total child at heart. That makes it easy. She's so big now. When I started she was  one and a half and very quiet. Now she's four, going to preschool and making friends, and talks up one hilarious storm. My sister has taken over the gig since I left for San Francisco, and boy do I miss it. I was lucky that my job for two years was playing with playdough, making forts, having dance parties, and coloring.

The rain was amazing today. When it cleared I had just begun my babysitting gig. And although I couldn't go out to experience it, it was glorious looking. The sun was almost blinding. And the huge, white, fluffy, billowing clouds lit up with the sun and sped across the sky because of the wind. By the dairies and orchards in my hometown you get the best sky views, and was that a site! I'm not a fan of rain for days in a row like this, but I forget how gloomy or disgustingly wet it has been when that sky opens up like that.
I wish we got more clouds like that in summer.

My Top 22: Men

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about my top list of crazy-fine celebrities. I would like to share my decisions. I like the number 22, it's my favorite. So I narrowed it down to 22 picks, be my guest to share your opinions.

In no particular order:

Michael C. Hall.

Even if he is playing a serial killer, he still manages his way into my heart with those strong arms and that mischievous look that asks, "Do you want to play?" ..oh boy do I..

Milo Ventimilgia

Ever since he played Jess on Gilmore Girls I have been drawn to Milo. Now they've given him superpowers on Heroes.. could a girl ask for more?

Jack Lemmon

An unconventional pick, I'll admit. But a good funnyman with a sweet face would totally have me.

John Mayer

I'm pretty sure this man has been making love to me with his lyrics. Tousled hair, deep dark eyes, and the voice that could get you hott the second it hits your ears... My body is a wonderland? Feel free to explore.

Justin Timberlake

So not only am I a sucker for this man musically (including the days of NSYNC) but physically you cannot go wrong with JT (minus the days of cornrows). Then when he appeared on SNL and actually did well, I officially granted him the right to appear on my list.

Marlon Brando

If I even have to explain this one, check your eyes. This is what studliness is.

James Dean

Only three movies and yet he is legend. And this has got to be one of my favorite shots..

John Krasinski

The puppy dog eyes along with that good guy smile, I melt. Just put a puppy at his feet and have him cooking and you have yourself one hell of a man.

Jake Gyllenhaal

I was talking about eyes earlier.. Jake's got deep, dark, brooding eyes. AND he can grow a real beard. That's such a turn-on for me..

Jim Morrison

In another blog it was put that "this man just exudes sex." I would have to agree. With locks like that, the rockstar body, and the moment he might stare at you this way, how could you possibly resist?

George Clooney

I'm not sure how this man can get so much sexier with age. Please let me age like him. He's fine wine.

Gregory Peck

Most of us know him as Atticus Finch, but just a little further back this was a man among boys. Intelligent, talented, and a stand-up guy, I would bring him home to meet my parents and show him off to my girlfriends.

James Franco

He played James Dean in the movie about his life and since then I have been convinced he is the physical reincarnate.

Kevin McHale

He plays Artie on Glee, but he's also known for his boy band days in NLT. His sultry, soulful voice, and eyes that can express so much in a glance; he may not be well known yet but he has been quite the intriguing find.

Sufjan Stevens

Which is more beautiful: the man or the music? It really is tough. He is an artist in the truest sense of the word. And you can just tell he's always thinking about it all. Thoughtful = Sexy

Flight of the Conchords

Ok, so I know this should count as two, but the duo together is what I like most. Bret and Jermaine have a sex appeal that is undeniable. And once again their cleverly hilarious lyrics had me at "sugar lumps".

Ok, here come my two favorite Jews:

Shia Labeouf

Even as Lewis Stevens I was a mess over Shia. Once this stud broke into the A-list, the whole world was demanded to take notice of the no-longer-a-child star. Sure he's had his share of ups and downs regarding his personal life and the media, but I see a guy ready to handle it, who's down-to-earth, and just being a twenty-something. Shia, I adore you.

Andy Samberg

I could only imagine what it would be like to live with Andy Samberg. Hilarious, witty, and seemingly nice guy who has stuck with his team of childhood buddies to bring some of the best skits SNL has seen. There's not much sexier than a man comfortable enough in his own skin to dress up a Kath the comic strip. Take me on a boat with you Andy... and T-pain.

And then I have my fiery Irishman:

Robert Redford

This photo looks like it was taken for a yearbook, but the sex appeal in all the others is too much for this blog.  The Sundance Kid has my heart racing.

Kevin Connolly

Entourage and 'He's Just Not That Into You' gave Kevin my full attention. The East coast accent, a little rasp in his voice, and just enough of that Irish temper to keep it interesting. Welcome to my list Mr. Connolly.

Josh Homme

Lead singer of Queens of the Stone Age, he could (and possibly would) kick Bono's arse, as it were. Just enough of the rowdy and cool, and that sexy Irish look, I could go for a fling with Josh.

And Finally:

Screeming Jay Hawkins

What can I say? He put a spell on me.. =]

Recipe for an Insomniac

"I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
With half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me a better way and all that my love can bring
...
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you with half of my...
Half of my heart

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do"

-John Mayer, "Half of My Heart"


Yea, this is a girl's blog. Shit like this runs through my brain lately and I wonder, why am I such a girl? Why can't I just live and let the "right one" come up like he's supposed to? I was driving today when this song turned up on my iPod. I'm so annoyed with myself; these kinds of thoughts are so silly. And let me tell you, girls do this kind of longing, daydreaming bullshit all the time. 


Living in the city takes me away from that kind of thinking. But since I have been back in my hometown I've been sucked back into my girlish head and I've begun to think about my singledom. Once I get back to my city I'll be so preoccupied with school and all my various outings that it won't even matter. I'll be so surrounded by awesome people that I feel better about the road I'm taking; the road where I wait for someone to truly strike me rather than me looking for something to strike me. And here's where I get mega-girly: If there's anything that "He's Just Not That Into You" has taught me it's that we, as women, get ridiculous about being alone, rejection, and searching for the redeeming qualities in a man we're attracted to rather than pay attention to what would be off-putting if he were, say, less attractive. I'm so ready to play this like a sane person and just go with the flow, see what's out there, and play it STRAIGHT. If I like you I'll make it known, if you don't like me please say so, because if I don't like you, know that I surely will. Don't drive me insane with your signals. Just be like "Hey, nevermind." or, you know, something much more gentle if you so choose. But I'm so tired of the open-ended "I don't want to be a bad guy so I just won't say anything" bullshit. It's torture. How about you put me out of my misery and give it to me straight. NO HARD FEELINGS. I get it, some chicks say what they don't really mean... I hate those girls.


Wow. I didn't mean for this to end up as a rant against my own kind... I'm just a passionate person. And this kind of thinking keeps me up at night. I think it's because I'm so passionate. And as the daughter of two psychologists I was always taught to think/look further than the obvious. That definitely sounds like a recipe for an insomniac. Some days are better than others, but most nights involve me lying in bed, exhausted in the body, but too energized in the mind to get to sleep at any time near when I had originally hoped. But it works out perfect for college! So I'm going with it. And I hope the time I take to do this blog will benefit me, and that any conversations that arrive because of this will help anyone else with similar thoughts.