More of You & Weekend Sum Up

I'm upset with myself. This version of me is foolish, although this isn't someone so far off from my normal self. But I feel like such a fool for you, having foolish thoughts because of you, believing in something that I'm not sure is true. I miss unfoolish me. I am afraid of hoping for you. But I still do hope for you. I can't help it. I'm beginning to see all of what you do to me. Don't stop.

I've had a lovely weekend back. Eventful. I spent it with great people and had a great time. Yesterday was even sunny enough that my roommate and I went outside in the grass and she painted while I stretched out and read. I love my life here.

Today is another beautiful day. Cheers!

Add Insult to Injury

You know that even after I've intentionally eaten a full meal before going to the mall so that I would not eat mall food, the smell of Boudin or Mrs. Fields makes me believe I'm famished and should eat. It's like crazy witchcraft. Not ok. And all the valentine's day chocolates are just adding insult to injury. I feel like I look at them and they say "You're off sweets! You can't touch me... and you're single anyway." Ouch Valentine's Day chocolates, that was harsh. I'm thinking of cheating on Valentines day and having something chocolate at the end of the day. I wanted to be hard-core about this, but that's one day that requires something chocolate. Don't judge me.

Treating Myself

I don't really do New Year's Resolutions anymore. Especially because the things that I would normally choose to work on, I'm already doing. I go to the gym more, I'm taking more time to read, I'm trying new things... but recently I noticed my unreal obsession with sweets. I think a couple nights ago when I picked up a cookie at lunch, brownie AND cookie after dinner, and then went back to the room and whipped out some chocolate from Christmas, I realized just how bad this was getting. Nothing can make me feel so good as chocolate, but I'm cutting myself off. For two months (62 days) at the very least I am no longer eating sweets in an attempt to get myself back in control. Sweets do not control me. Although walking out of the dining center and having to walk by the desert cart is pure torture. The cookies at lunch looked amazing and last night they had German chocolate cake. I swear I'm salivating right now. But that just proves I'm doing the right thing. My love affair with food, most especially sweets, needs to get under control. Today is day three. Only 59 more to go...

Today I have a day off from classes and a beautiful day in front of me. My goals:

• Get a cute outfit for going out tonight
• Go to the bookstore and get the books I'm missing still
• Find out how to return my Astronomy book
• Go for a walk outside
• Balance my checkbook
• Take care of some of the clutter which has already accumulated
• Do lots of reading for both of my lit classes
• Check out any upcoming auditions
• Write a letter
• Turn in my RA application

My dreams lately involve more and more of the same. I start out wondering, searching, looking for something that never seems to be revealed, but somehow I know that it involves you. I run into people who don't make sense, who point me in the wrong direction, or who tell me not to search anymore. And the minute I stop searching I realize you have been right behind me the whole time. Somehow I knew it but ignored it... how's that for symbolic? It's hard to wake up from those dreams. But I know I get to have you with me again soon, because you're persistent in my brain, on my mind. It's cruel that you aren't the way you appear in my dreams.

I think going to the gym is taking on a whole new thing this semester. I've always liked going to the gym once I could get myself there, but this time it's also about my alone time, some time spent in my head, pushing myself, going until it hurts, and it helps me get to sleep. I love feeling sore the next day, knowing that I worked myself to my full potential. I will definitely be there more, it helps me cope and reminds me that I'm doing right by me. And that's a good start to my year.

Beautiful Day

Someone once mentioned a quote to me that said true beauty is that which inspires thought. Today I am overwhelmed with beauty in all the most peculiar places.

I didn't think I would enjoy my Critical Thinking class, but I do. And I enjoy that it's my last class of the day, and  is followed by a walk home with my thoughts, and a solitary dorm to write, uninterrupted. It sounds terribly unsocial of me, but I like all the thoughts I have about the class applied within my life and how I live it. It's so uplifting and seems to feel spiritual, and I like being able to have time to think about them. We talked a lot about living for the best possible life and a little about how religion plays those sort of roles. I love when my head spins with these thoughts that makes it so hard for my hands to write and keep up. And my head is spinning and I'm smiling. I don't mind being dizzy this way, not anymore.

A good friend of mine made me a mix CD which also provokes thought. Music can always do that, and I love the messages she chose to send me and thoughts she chose to provoke within me. It is also beautiful. Thank you. =)

I've been doing some serious people watching since classes have begun. I can tell who hates school, having to be awake, reading, that sort of thing. Then I can tell who is truly interested and who is a good or astute student. I'm excited to get to know these people, and to learn. I feel like such a nerd, but everyday has something I can look forward too, and mostly I look forward to the content of the classes and the professors that teach them. It's been a while since I've been this enthused about all my classes. This is always subject to change... but for now I am reveling in my fantastic outlook on this semester.

I feel so inspired by things I've seen and heard today. Although it is ugly and gray outside today, so far my day has been beautiful.

Hello San Francisco, hello Monday

Coming into the city yesterday was quite the sensation starter. We entered over the Bay Bridge and looked out at the city for the small window of time that it was actually rather sunny.. breathtaking. San Francisco cannot cease to amaze me. Then as we came closer to the school I began to see signs that reminded me of home. Next Exit Sunset District, Cow Palace, Ocean Ave, John Daly Blvd... all the signs I'm home. Everyone was unloading cars with their parents or the Southern California folk would hop out of taxis with all their luggage. People would shout to long missed friends from across the street, out the window, down the hall. Mine came to me and helped with my luggage. I love my roommate and adopted roomie. I missed you San Francisco State.

Unpacking was relentless. There was so much luggage between my roommate and I that she had to start first so that I would have some room to unload. I hated that I had put off packing because I began to feel like I had JUST put this stuff away, and here I was taking it out and putting it away again. I forgot how well I can work with this small space, making things fit where they look like they couldn't possibly.

I also forgot my shampoo and conditioner. Here I come, Walgreen's! Please, disperse your homeless from the front doors..

I'm excited for school, but I feel like I just arrived. I need a day to make sure I'm situated. Nevertheless I know my classes should be quite good for this Monday, so I'm not too discouraged.

I am now off to breakfast. Hello Monday, show me what you've got.

Dream of You

I had a dream about you last night. I don't want to dream about you, it reminds me that when I wake up you aren't really around. I miss you. I miss your company. But please don't stop visiting in my dreams..

Returning to My City

Forget anything I may have said earlier about men/relationships. Sure not all of them are savory characters, but when you meet one of them that is, then who cares about the dipshits? (really eloquent, I'm aware) I'm quite happy with my life as of late, and although there are some people I'm leaving at home that I'm not super thrilled about, I'm still happy we had this time together. I leave for the city on Sunday. I still have to pack. I'll be putting that off I'm sure..

Things I'm excited for this semester:

• Not living with my parents, as it should be
• The Great Valentine's Day Pillowfight in SF
• Meeting all kinds of new people in my classes
• Taking Fable & Tales, & Astronomy.. & a little bit Jewish Lit
• Vampire Weekend at the Fox Theatre
• Spring to arrive
• The last season of Lost (yes. I'm still following that insane show)
• Glee's Spring return
• Going to some auditions
• Seeing some plays (Most especially High Fidelity: The Musical)
• Spending plenty of days by the ocean
• Crazy dorm pranks and singing with my RA in the halls
• Shower parties
• Shopping
• Exploring even more of the city

Things I'm not super psyched about this semester:

• Surgery
• Leaving behind some of my best friends
• Leaving behind some new ones
• Not getting to talk to/cuddle with my sister as much
• Not having a car (mostly when it's rainy or downright freezing)
• Not being able to watch Wheel of Fortune with my dad
• Not being invited to my mom's concerts anymore ..haha
• No lunches with my petite Grandma
• Frantically searching for summer job opportunities around the same time as finals rush
• Not having the same spring break as my family 

The good outweighs the bad, although surgery is at the top of that list for a reason. Overall I'm quite excited to be headed back. But until then I have to pack.

I wish I had Mary Poppins right about now. I'd be snapping by fingers and everything would be taken care of and we would get to sing. What I wouldn't give to have a voice like Julie Andrews...

On an unrelated note, I miss being in airports. I have just watched Up In The Air twice now, and I remembered how much I love airports. They are amazing for people watching and people interaction. I love the overpriced airline food, the announcer voice to keep an eye on your luggage every 10 or 15 minutes, grabbing a crappy/trash magazine or walking through the cheesy tourist shops, watching planes take off and land and load, seeing people come off of flights with tans, or seeing them reunite with someone in the terminal. I can't help but love it. And plane flights are amazing too. I miss traveling in a plane. It's very likely I won't be heading up in the air anytime soon. But I have been blessed and almost spoiled with the amount of travel I have been able to do so far in my life. And that I actually live in a city AND state that most people love to travel to. Yea, I may not be heading up in the air soon, but I've got enough going for me down on the ground anyhow.

I took this photo on my phone. This is my city.

Time for bed, thanks for reading.

Rainy Days & Indoor Play

Today I hung out with my favorite four year old. We "wrestled", watched the Disney sing-a-long video to her heart's content, and listened to David Bowie and The Commodores, her choice. She's a boss. She's quite into potty humor at the moment and really likes to do things that are "tough". Probably because of her older brother. It was a riot to hear the things coming out of her mouth. One of my favorites had to be, out of nowhere, "I'm going to sock you in the butt hole." It took everything inside me to not laugh and tell her that's not a nice thing to say. I miss this job. I'm generally really good with kids. In one way or another I've always been around them and I'm a total child at heart. That makes it easy. She's so big now. When I started she was  one and a half and very quiet. Now she's four, going to preschool and making friends, and talks up one hilarious storm. My sister has taken over the gig since I left for San Francisco, and boy do I miss it. I was lucky that my job for two years was playing with playdough, making forts, having dance parties, and coloring.

The rain was amazing today. When it cleared I had just begun my babysitting gig. And although I couldn't go out to experience it, it was glorious looking. The sun was almost blinding. And the huge, white, fluffy, billowing clouds lit up with the sun and sped across the sky because of the wind. By the dairies and orchards in my hometown you get the best sky views, and was that a site! I'm not a fan of rain for days in a row like this, but I forget how gloomy or disgustingly wet it has been when that sky opens up like that.
I wish we got more clouds like that in summer.

My Top 22: Men

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about my top list of crazy-fine celebrities. I would like to share my decisions. I like the number 22, it's my favorite. So I narrowed it down to 22 picks, be my guest to share your opinions.

In no particular order:

Michael C. Hall.

Even if he is playing a serial killer, he still manages his way into my heart with those strong arms and that mischievous look that asks, "Do you want to play?" ..oh boy do I..

Milo Ventimilgia

Ever since he played Jess on Gilmore Girls I have been drawn to Milo. Now they've given him superpowers on Heroes.. could a girl ask for more?

Jack Lemmon

An unconventional pick, I'll admit. But a good funnyman with a sweet face would totally have me.

John Mayer

I'm pretty sure this man has been making love to me with his lyrics. Tousled hair, deep dark eyes, and the voice that could get you hott the second it hits your ears... My body is a wonderland? Feel free to explore.

Justin Timberlake

So not only am I a sucker for this man musically (including the days of NSYNC) but physically you cannot go wrong with JT (minus the days of cornrows). Then when he appeared on SNL and actually did well, I officially granted him the right to appear on my list.

Marlon Brando

If I even have to explain this one, check your eyes. This is what studliness is.

James Dean

Only three movies and yet he is legend. And this has got to be one of my favorite shots..

John Krasinski

The puppy dog eyes along with that good guy smile, I melt. Just put a puppy at his feet and have him cooking and you have yourself one hell of a man.

Jake Gyllenhaal

I was talking about eyes earlier.. Jake's got deep, dark, brooding eyes. AND he can grow a real beard. That's such a turn-on for me..

Jim Morrison

In another blog it was put that "this man just exudes sex." I would have to agree. With locks like that, the rockstar body, and the moment he might stare at you this way, how could you possibly resist?

George Clooney

I'm not sure how this man can get so much sexier with age. Please let me age like him. He's fine wine.

Gregory Peck

Most of us know him as Atticus Finch, but just a little further back this was a man among boys. Intelligent, talented, and a stand-up guy, I would bring him home to meet my parents and show him off to my girlfriends.

James Franco

He played James Dean in the movie about his life and since then I have been convinced he is the physical reincarnate.

Kevin McHale

He plays Artie on Glee, but he's also known for his boy band days in NLT. His sultry, soulful voice, and eyes that can express so much in a glance; he may not be well known yet but he has been quite the intriguing find.

Sufjan Stevens

Which is more beautiful: the man or the music? It really is tough. He is an artist in the truest sense of the word. And you can just tell he's always thinking about it all. Thoughtful = Sexy

Flight of the Conchords

Ok, so I know this should count as two, but the duo together is what I like most. Bret and Jermaine have a sex appeal that is undeniable. And once again their cleverly hilarious lyrics had me at "sugar lumps".

Ok, here come my two favorite Jews:

Shia Labeouf

Even as Lewis Stevens I was a mess over Shia. Once this stud broke into the A-list, the whole world was demanded to take notice of the no-longer-a-child star. Sure he's had his share of ups and downs regarding his personal life and the media, but I see a guy ready to handle it, who's down-to-earth, and just being a twenty-something. Shia, I adore you.

Andy Samberg

I could only imagine what it would be like to live with Andy Samberg. Hilarious, witty, and seemingly nice guy who has stuck with his team of childhood buddies to bring some of the best skits SNL has seen. There's not much sexier than a man comfortable enough in his own skin to dress up a Kath the comic strip. Take me on a boat with you Andy... and T-pain.

And then I have my fiery Irishman:

Robert Redford

This photo looks like it was taken for a yearbook, but the sex appeal in all the others is too much for this blog.  The Sundance Kid has my heart racing.

Kevin Connolly

Entourage and 'He's Just Not That Into You' gave Kevin my full attention. The East coast accent, a little rasp in his voice, and just enough of that Irish temper to keep it interesting. Welcome to my list Mr. Connolly.

Josh Homme

Lead singer of Queens of the Stone Age, he could (and possibly would) kick Bono's arse, as it were. Just enough of the rowdy and cool, and that sexy Irish look, I could go for a fling with Josh.

And Finally:

Screeming Jay Hawkins

What can I say? He put a spell on me.. =]

Recipe for an Insomniac

"I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
With half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me a better way and all that my love can bring
...
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you with half of my...
Half of my heart

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do"

-John Mayer, "Half of My Heart"


Yea, this is a girl's blog. Shit like this runs through my brain lately and I wonder, why am I such a girl? Why can't I just live and let the "right one" come up like he's supposed to? I was driving today when this song turned up on my iPod. I'm so annoyed with myself; these kinds of thoughts are so silly. And let me tell you, girls do this kind of longing, daydreaming bullshit all the time. 


Living in the city takes me away from that kind of thinking. But since I have been back in my hometown I've been sucked back into my girlish head and I've begun to think about my singledom. Once I get back to my city I'll be so preoccupied with school and all my various outings that it won't even matter. I'll be so surrounded by awesome people that I feel better about the road I'm taking; the road where I wait for someone to truly strike me rather than me looking for something to strike me. And here's where I get mega-girly: If there's anything that "He's Just Not That Into You" has taught me it's that we, as women, get ridiculous about being alone, rejection, and searching for the redeeming qualities in a man we're attracted to rather than pay attention to what would be off-putting if he were, say, less attractive. I'm so ready to play this like a sane person and just go with the flow, see what's out there, and play it STRAIGHT. If I like you I'll make it known, if you don't like me please say so, because if I don't like you, know that I surely will. Don't drive me insane with your signals. Just be like "Hey, nevermind." or, you know, something much more gentle if you so choose. But I'm so tired of the open-ended "I don't want to be a bad guy so I just won't say anything" bullshit. It's torture. How about you put me out of my misery and give it to me straight. NO HARD FEELINGS. I get it, some chicks say what they don't really mean... I hate those girls.


Wow. I didn't mean for this to end up as a rant against my own kind... I'm just a passionate person. And this kind of thinking keeps me up at night. I think it's because I'm so passionate. And as the daughter of two psychologists I was always taught to think/look further than the obvious. That definitely sounds like a recipe for an insomniac. Some days are better than others, but most nights involve me lying in bed, exhausted in the body, but too energized in the mind to get to sleep at any time near when I had originally hoped. But it works out perfect for college! So I'm going with it. And I hope the time I take to do this blog will benefit me, and that any conversations that arrive because of this will help anyone else with similar thoughts.