One Day

One day, I'll be in NYC. 

And that will be best of all, because I hear there is nothing quite like New York in the fall.

Until then, San Francisco is my home. What a lovely life I lead..

I'm Getting Married! ...To My iPod on Shuffle

Why can't I marry my iPod on shuffle? If it could be embodied into a man, we would be perfect together. It always knows me best. Today it brought up a song I haven't listened to in months.. possibly years. The lyrics were so relevant.. 

"Falling over backwards for you,

Falling over everybody else.

I put myself in that position

Every time I have the chance.

I know it's not my business, to be

Digging up these things I shouldn't know.

Twenty years of bad descisions

Haven't taught me much at all.

...

Having every question answered
Isn't gonna help at all

When you're not supposed to know ..Anything"

-"Textbook" We Are Scientists

and every song that followed was so fitting. It was as if my iPod was trying to say, "Hello!? You are beating a dead horse once again. It's not supposed to be easy, you're not supposed to have all the answers, & you need to work harder to get yourself back." The advise my friends have given now suddenly feels like it has been smacked in my head full force when my iPod talks to me about it. "These are the days" came on (by Jaime Cullum) and I was reminded that I'm supposed to be living for today, focusing on my present.. and enjoying it. I almost lost sight of that today.

Oh iPod on shuffle, you know me! You know my embarrassing days, my happier moments, what I need to be uplifted, or when I need to calm down. You accommodate my nostalgia but always ease me back into the present. You know me and you have basically perfected the art of timing within my life. But I guess this is also because I put the pieces in place for you too be able to do so.

Writing this stupid metaphor reminded me that I have to be willing to give more of myself in order to get back. Oh late night revelations..


P.S. It's pouring over here. Giants have won 2 nights in a row. I love life.

Wishing on Fall Leaves

"When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts

Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart"

-John Mayer "Something's Missing"

Fall is my favorite. Everything is changing, the air is crisp, some days are sunny and others are rainy, people pull out their cozy sweaters and scarves and hats and somehow everything just seems fresher. Like after the summer heat, nature is taking a big sigh of relief, and I sigh along with it. 


This year fall seemed to sneak up on me. I had been stuck so far inside my own head that I hardly noticed the changes outside. I'm glad I didn't miss it completely.


My first paycheck is going into my savings and helping pay back some IOU's. The next one is step one to saving for a bike. This weather is too lovely to just be looked at from inside a bus. 


What are your fall wishes? Make a wish on a falling leaf, then make it come true.

Life's Little Surprises

Today, on my way home from work, do you know what I noticed? Leaves. Leaves on the ground. The leaves of FALL! How had I not noticed this until today? Living in the moment is living with little surprises everyday.

I met a little girl at work.. she helped me put things away, and talked with me, and showed me how she could skip. She had lots of questions, and she reminded me of my nannying days. For just a second I wanted to be back there, baking cookies in holiday shapes this time of year, playing in the pile of leaves outside the house, building forts and having popcorn inside them.. getting an excuse to be a kid again. But I made myself come back to the present. Who the hell says you need an excuse to be a kid at any given moment? Sure I might be getting older, but so what? Why did I suddenly feel like I had lost those things that I had while nannying? Just because I don't get to spend my days with one of the greatest kids I've had the pleasure to care for, doesn't mean that I can't continue on with the things she instilled in my spirit. Things that were already there anyway. When the girl from the store was leaving, she told me she would come back soon and she would be looking for me. I had to smile. "Don't you worry," I told her, "I'll be around. I'll wait right here." Excuse me, inner-child? I'm not sure why I had you on time-out.. but you are welcome to come out and play. Also, old-soul of mine? Why don't you hold the inner-child's hand and work together.. I feel like that would be best.

My world is changing for the better. Home improvement for the body/mind is cheaper anyway.. but worth much more. Focusing on my present day 10.

No Way to Live

"You're so focused on your past you can't appreciate your present. That's no way to live! How can you possibly move forward if you're always looking back?" -A Very Potter Sequel

A funny place to get an inspiring quote, but that's exactly what I'm working hard on now. Short entry--I have an essay to conquer before I turn in tonight. Focusing on my present, day 1.

Life's Too Short

When I came home from my Intro to Shakespeare class the other day, I got to thinking about all of the themes we had been talking about within the class. One in particular is just now hitting me as a relevant point within my life, in a different context.

Masks

It's generally known that we all have them. The annoying person you are friendly to in passing, the good son/daughter in front of your parents, etc. But some masks I'm understanding less. I'm beginning to wonder how harmful some of these masks might actually be. Some things are too important to just mask over. I have usually been one for brute honesty and, as often as I can, someone who believes in understanding the rationale  behind any decision. As I've gotten older, I'm understanding more about myself and what I need from those around me. I don't need you to tell me I look terrible, but I do need to be told when I'm acting terrible. I don't need you to tell me what's easy, I need you to tell me what's hard. More often than not I appreciate more of an up-front, honest approach. You don't need to be cruel, just honest. You just don't want to hang out, that's cool..I have those moods too. You don't really feel much like talking, I get it. You want me, you don't, you feel upset about something I've done... whatever it is, TELL ME! What are we doing spending the short time we are allowed on this Earth not saying more of the things we are really feeling? And just as important, why do we waste anyone else's time or energy? I know I appreciate a straight answer because it saves me time and energy I would have spent wandering in a middle ground.

Sometimes I want to tell someone something so badly but I don't know if we're close enough of friends or something along those lines. But then I just need to remind myself that things like that can be so small in the long run. If I say what I want and it doesn't go over well, then hopefully we can move on. If we can't then that may not be the person I want around in my life anyway. Either way I did what I wanted and there is no 'what if's' involved. Life's too short to wonder about 'what if's'. And life's too short to hold back from the things you want.

Yeah, sometimes there are downsides to this way of thinking, but I don't want to live in a kind of fear that might prohibit something great, something liberating. Life's too short. So here I am, reinventing myself once again, or maybe just getting back to how I'm supposed to be. Hopefully my life will be better for it.


P.S. Night walks in San Francisco are slowly becoming my favorite. Tonight was a beautiful night.

Hired

At Gap Kids in Laurel Village San Francisco. Could not have come at a better time. :)

I Really Don't Know Anything

Is it so wrong that I miss you? I'm told it is. But I don't think so. I miss you. It's hard to just let go, but I can't decide if it's worse holding on. You aren't here anymore.. and somehow I have this sinking feeling that you're gone for good. But I don't know. All I know is that I miss you. If I knew anything about anything I would know what to do now. Words to say or what to do. I wish there was a way I could know. Or a way I could just have you back here with me, talking like you never left. But I don't really know anything about anything.

I went to a concert tonight. Fantastic music, but in every lyric I saw your face. I've been keeping busy because I'm told that's what's best.. but most of all, when it's all said and done, I just wish my phone would glow with your name and I could talk to you about your day and your thoughts. I miss YOU, and who you are, and who you pushed me to be, without even trying.